Conspiracy??

  About the Hollanders' insult to Prophet Muhammad. It's annoyingly controversial.

  First, it's a conspiracy. I don't know between who and who, but it is made to make Islam look violent. The protest the Muslims are giving, makes them look like barbarians because it ends with violence act. The death of American Ambassador in Libya triggers the Americans to be angry and then it leads to war. It has been done by I don't know who for many times, but the Muslims are still provoked. Or maybe other than that, but that's what I think. My dad said that this is a CIA made-up. To execute the New World Order. To bring out the anarchy sides of the Muslims who are provoked by the plans CIA has made so the other people would hate us all, and make war, then the population of this world would decrease because of the death the war overcome. Just maybe.

  Secondly, don't blame it all to the people of Holland. They're not all guilty, only the producers and the directors and the people who knew what the film was about and involved are. Even the casts are being deceived because all they knew, it wasn't a film about Muslims propaganda. The dialogues were being dubbed after the filming was done. So it's definitely not everybody in Holland's fault. We can't just do whatever we want to destroy Holland just because only less than one-sixteenth, or maybe lesser, of the population insult our religion, insult our beloved Prophet. This isn't just about my personal matter that my family lives there, it's about morality.

  You punish those who deserve to be punished. Not punish them all ignoring the truth that not all of them is guilty. Just because the person behind the insult is from Holland doesn't mean all the innocent people from Holland must suffer. Think clearly, can't you, all Muslims? You're just embarrassing yourselves, your religion, your God, your prophet, and all other straight-thinker Muslims. Don't be such barbaric people. Our Prophet even handled all the insult with patience. Shouldn't he be our role model?? Then why don't you all try to be like him if you really love him?

  Yes, you're all defending him. But can't you all just defend him by not watching it? Just ignore them mean people. Let Allah avenge our Prophet. Just say prayers upon him and he'll know that we defend him. Do what he did back then when he received all the humility and the curse and the insults. Show him that he is followed by us. You don't have to be mean like them. You're not them. Don't defend him with such barbaric actions. Shame on you then. Don't be silly.

  That's what makes the "mean" people love to provoke us with something religious. You Muslims are easily provoked because you don't think clearly about things that are offered to you. You accept, but you don't analyse, or even strain it. Don't have to over-analyse, but just think beyond what has been given to us. Look behind it to find its meaning. All you do is overreacting over something that religious people shouldn't even do. You think you're all saints and if you don't defend him, he'd ask you questions you don't even know if it would be questioned to you or not. You're scared already. Afraid that Allah will punish you for not defending your Prophet. Allah is the best at this, you can not judge Him. What will He do or what will He say, you can't guess. You even make Him and your prophet look bad. Aren't you ashamed? Aren't you even more afraid of that? Think clearer stupid Muslims, clearer.

Personal Rant, Sorry.

  Heart's shattered, hopes I set up high fall off, thoughts of having a peaceful mind and heart are murdered. I don't regret everything I've been through, but sometimes it's just so hard to face. It is so hard to be strong when the problem is the one who makes you strong and the one you have problems with. It's hard to deal with it. I think about my feelings too. And his. There's still a hint of fear of hurting him. It's like you don't want to obey your parents but you know that they're wrong.

  How am I gonna survive 3 days without chatting with him? God knows. Maybe I can, because days are much shorter these days. But it'll be empty. 3 useless days. 3 wasteful days. Awful awful awful. 3 days and my sources of laughters are only gonna be telly, sister, and grandma. And maybe my little boy cousin.

  This is not at all expected, but I know I must face it if I don't want to lose him. I don't care if I have to suffer like this. But sometimes I just lose it. I can't help it I said bad things to him but at the same time I want to make things up by making him understand but I'm never able to do that. Haha. Funny how things work huh? Never fair. Maybe it is, but we have to suffer first to see it become fair.

  But it never comes!! It always comes when we realise that everything's gone! Fuck reality! I hate this world. I hate my life. I hate people. Cast me away I don't fuckin care. This drives me crazy. I'm confused. Lost. Who am I gonna run to. It's usually you. But it's you now I'm disappointed with. I know I disappoint you a whole lot more, but isn't this too much? Maybe this balances what I did to you. And I'll be patient. For us. And I hope it's worth it.

You'll Appreciate Your Home A Little Bit More When You're Not At Home

  Thinking about how I triggered the three days in a row fight, frustrates me, and makes me feel like I don't deserve anymore of his patience, more over his love. It's like I'm throwing away the opportunities he gave me to earn his trust back. And the addition, I started to break promises because of the things that are out of my control. And it's not that I don't listen to anything he says, I listen, but sometimes my silly little brain isn't able to catch and absorb it because of the amount of stress I have, so I get a little not focused. I probably have pushed my brain to think harder so it's tired already.

  I don't know what I should do. I can't think of any other ways to do something correctly. I couldn't make decisions on my own and I hate how things work out lately. And I was a total idiot to give out promises that I didn't know I can't make. People make other plans for me that don't fit in with my plans. That don't go with my promises. And I think I'm depressed thinking about how I can make my promises while other people make me do things that are out of my promises.

  I'm really struggling to make both of them without having to disappoint one. And it turns out I can't obey him for these few weeks. My family needs me to take care of my grandma, and we all don't have any idea about who will take care of her if me and my sister were not here. And unfortunately, I'm the least busy among the others at my house, so I have to accept that they're gonna make me stay here while they take care of their businesses. So I have no choice other than making my grandma my temporary priority. I can't stand the people here. Unethical ungrateful savages. I have nothing but patience, so I'm gonna use it only for these few weeks, then I'm out for school.

  This means I have to stand the fights. I have to stand the feelings this has caused me. The fear of him being disappointed by me. The fear of him leaving me because I'm a total asshole. The pounding heart while I'm nervous and scared thinking he's gonna get mad at me. The only thing I want right now is to go home. Don't have to make any promises and don't have to disappoint anybody. I'm tired being here. So many little things that make me depressed and put me in despair. And it lessens and lessens and ruins everything I've built and tried to earn lately. I want to go home so badly. I hope this ends soon.




P.S : I'm already at my home now, but I can't just leave the post to rot in my cellphone, unpublished.

Be Trustworthy

 How trust worth more than a piece of diamond. That's the essential base for everything in this world. In every kind of relations. And when you lose it, you practically lose everything, hahaha. I'm not exaggerating, I'm not. And maybe not really everything, it's just you no longer have the ability to do anything or go anywhere you want without being interrogated or suspected. And it is simply because no one trusts you.

 It's not a good feeling because you once lost it for your own mistake, your own idiotic behaviour. So it's basically your fault. And God damned you for that. You can never be calm even when you're allowed to do things. You're gonna be too afraid to do something because you're bothered of the fear of disappointing people again. And when you finally try to do it, you're still lingered by guilt and that makes you lose focus, so you're doing it wrong again.

 Complaining won't help. Neither sharing your problem. There's a lot of other people who suffer more than you do. Duct tape your mouth and deal with it, don't pull others into it. The only thing to survive when you're in this type of matter, you just face it, and if you're not strong enough you cry, and let life tortures you. It'll be okay in the end.

 Life's fair, no matter what you have to deal with while waiting for justice to come by. I'm not trying to make myself sound like I'm experienced, like I know everything, but that's what I do, because there's nothing I can do to change it. To make other people trust me for one more time, to give me a second goddamn chance. Maybe they did, but I was too dumb to appreciate it.

 I guess this is what we call destiny. When you did something beyond your control and it resulted bad, intentionally or unintentionally. That's the path you've been given. Not the path you could choose to take. Because eventually, like me -- though I wasn't fast enough to realise it --  you'll eventually learn how crucial it is to have trust as the basic ingredient in a relationship.

Feelings

  I might be the most patient person in the world if it comes down to face the people I love. Or the grumpiest one.

  I might just scream and shout anything bad to them, just because I know they wouldn't leave me. And no matter what bad things they do to me, I could never hate them and abandon them. I'd probably be silent, or give them piercing glances just so they know that I'm angry. And I'll come back again after a few moments, because I'm silent only to cool down my anger.

  I don't talk a lot when I get upset. Because if I force myself to talk while I'm upset, I'll only cry. I don't know how to handle it. It's out of control.
I want to be a person who can let out their anger without crying. I always look so weak. I always cry everytime I get upset when I have to say it to other people. I will cry. Undoubtedly.

  Sometimes I just can't bear with some things I know that are heavy. I feel wrecked, crumbled, swords and knives and blades are stabbing my body, my heart, and the stabbing doesn't stop until they stop themselves. Those weapons are just the forms of words, behaviours, and facial expressions.

  It's crazy how things can fall out of line while I'm keeping it on track. Well, wheel of life. We're just too high to look down, so we don't realise when will it come, until we experience it ourselves.

I Love You, Grandpa

  After what my grandpa and my friend had been through, I'm now a bit scared of sick people getting into hospital and emergency units and all those kinds of stuffs. I maybe get paranoid. Traumatic. Because now I realise even more that death can take us in no time. Anytime it wants. In order. No one can change it and no one can stop it unless it's permitted by God, yes, a miracle. And they're gonna have to work hard to do nice for that second chance living in this world.

  For my grandpa and my friend, they had no second chance. My grandpa passed away because he's old and he suffered enough because of his illness and his environment was -- is still -- so bad it caused him sick. And I'm still regretting that I didn't get to see him on his last days. Maybe there's a reason that I couldn't see him. But I'm still sad sometimes if I remember this. I feel so mean. Like I wasn't being a good grand daughter to him.

  I also have this regretful feeling about not being able to be a doctor that he wanted me to be. I was too stupid to pass chemistry so I failed at it and I couldn't make him proud. Maybe this is my path, but if I worked harder I might change it. I wish I studied more than I did back then.

  But now all I can do is remember everything he ever told me. That I must have my body strapped up so my back won't hunch. And I won't read in dimmed lit room so I won't hurt my eyes. I still remember everytime I read something in his old bedroom he was always asked me if I wanted him to turn on the light so the room would be brighter and I would read the book better.

  I'm so sorry that I didn't visit him on his last days. Really, really deeply sorry. Wish I could turn back time I would study harder and be a doctor and be there beside him everyday taking care of him.

  Maafin aca ya, Opa. Aca sayang Opa :')

Fuckin Dilemma

  Yes, it is questioned. Why? I wish I knew. Have I reached it? Guess I haven't. Yet.

  Some people have their own ways of finding their freedom. Some just find it, and some born with it, some just lose it and some have to struggle to earn it. Well I'm a little bit of every kind of them. I found my freedom, I was born with it, but I lost it and now I'm struggling to earn it.

  For me, freedom is to have the right to do anything you want as long as it stays in line. As long as it's still for a good purpose. No matter what it is. Maybe I'm not grown enough to define the true meaning of freedom itself, but I'm sure that I know I get the point of freedom. Now I'm trying to earn it, because I lost it once, because of my own stupidity, oh, more of that, I lost his trust also. So it is more than freedom. I should've taken the risk of having a boyfriend. I'm in a relationship, so I also have to appreciate whatever it is he dislikes. I just sometimes didn't realise that. Yes, I'm that stupid.

  But then, isn't freedom a privilege? Isn't it a human right? I feel lost sometimes. Confused.
Even now, I still don't know how to solve this.
I care about him a lot, I love him, like, with half of my heart, because the other half belongs to my family. I can never pick one as my number one priority. If I choose my family, I could lose him, but if I choose him, no matter what, I'll never lose my family, but I'll lose my quality time with them. I'm now a little bit far away from my family. I miss hanging out with them, laughing and I miss who I am when I'm with them.
I know I've been with them since I was born, but sometimes when I'm faraway from them, it's like some part of me just weakened. For they're the only ones who were always there for me since I was an infant. I just don't want to lose our togetherness, that's all. Because having fun with them is incomparable. We've been through everything together. Everything.

  And it does the same thing to him. This is the first time I feel really loved by others who isn't my family. A person, whom I knew from my friend. Unrelated. But he loves me like this. I can't tell how grateful I am to have him. It's indescribable.But he drives me crazy sometimes. Like I'm on the verge of breaking down completely. His excuses are senseless sometimes, and he can be an immature human being. And I feel so helpless because no matter what he does, I can't stop loving him. He's always there for me, he accepts me for who I am, and he makes me happy. I know that's what really matters.

  Maybe I just have to accept the truth that I already have a fine lot of moments with my family. 20 years of it. And now I just have to be a bit patient, because I used to get everything I wanted. And now God turn it all around. I still can have fun with them at home though. Just give me more strength, God. Give me a bigger heart. Make me think of something else, other than my version of freedom's definition. Just to illuminate my mind. To chill my mind out. Just to help me to have a clearer mind to think this through. This is depressing. Effin dilemma.

Sin

  Forgive me God for I have sinned. So many sins that I can never even mention here. So many sins, I drown. Is it enough to just be kind to others to redeem those sins? Or is it never gonna be enough?

  Is it even good to just pray then sin after? Or it is worthless, in vain. Just like putting out a fire then light it up again. And me, like I pray enough. I forget Him lately. He's not completely forgotten, I just set Him aside. And I put my world first. I actually don't know what I should do. I have so many things to be prayed for, but I know I can't make the efforts to make them come true. Most of the prayers are for everyone else, whom I love and care so much. And I can't help them, I can't make any efforts to help them. Maybe just moral support, but will it matter?

  It has been said through so many sources that God puts the bad people in hell, good people in heaven. But in the end, not all bad people go to hell, and not all good people go to heaven. Some bad people, that do bad things to help people are considered to be the good ones. And the good ones, sometimes they only think about the afterlife, they don't want to go to hell, and that's all they think about. So they pray, the help, they do good deeds, but it is only to be in heaven, not because they wanna help, they wanna share happiness and they pray to thank God. Are they considered to be a bad people for it? Are they still gonna go to heaven? Or is that actually how we should live?

  Too many questions I have in mind. I probably go to hell. After what I've done, what I've been through. I might not kill people, but I do things that are forbidden. Bad things.
But do things like I want others to be happy count? Just to slowly reduce the sins.

  Hmm, I think I'll never know. God's secret. I actually don't wanna go to hell either. But things are hard lately and I should really start to put my God first. Thank Him every step of my way. For His blessings have made me this kind of person. No matter how often I doubt, underestimate and hate myself. Because whatever sin I do, still, He forgives, and forgives and even bless me, and still, gives me things I need, I want.

  I'm ashamed of Him. I can tell. Because I am. But then I still haven't changed yet. I still sin. Am I a hard-headed person or a dumb one, I don't know. I'm almost giving up finding out why is it so hard to do what He tell us. Why is it so hard to resist the temptation of not breaking the rules? Is this human nature? Probably is, but we have brains, and hearts and senses. I just don't use it sometimes. I don't even know which part of me resisting the will of doing good things and avoiding myself from making sin. Especially to pray.

  The devil in me is strong. I need help. I maybe have fought it, but I lost most of the time. The only answer is that I have to start my prayers. I must. I went too far, lately. I don't regret anything though. I've experienced much so I hope I could learn. But hell, who would've known, with brain like mine.

  But I really truly hope that I could change into a better me. Still me, but better. More religious hahaha. I'm not supposed to laugh. So, ok. That is all. I guess. Still more to come from this expanding and developing small brain.