Sin

  Forgive me God for I have sinned. So many sins that I can never even mention here. So many sins, I drown. Is it enough to just be kind to others to redeem those sins? Or is it never gonna be enough?

  Is it even good to just pray then sin after? Or it is worthless, in vain. Just like putting out a fire then light it up again. And me, like I pray enough. I forget Him lately. He's not completely forgotten, I just set Him aside. And I put my world first. I actually don't know what I should do. I have so many things to be prayed for, but I know I can't make the efforts to make them come true. Most of the prayers are for everyone else, whom I love and care so much. And I can't help them, I can't make any efforts to help them. Maybe just moral support, but will it matter?

  It has been said through so many sources that God puts the bad people in hell, good people in heaven. But in the end, not all bad people go to hell, and not all good people go to heaven. Some bad people, that do bad things to help people are considered to be the good ones. And the good ones, sometimes they only think about the afterlife, they don't want to go to hell, and that's all they think about. So they pray, the help, they do good deeds, but it is only to be in heaven, not because they wanna help, they wanna share happiness and they pray to thank God. Are they considered to be a bad people for it? Are they still gonna go to heaven? Or is that actually how we should live?

  Too many questions I have in mind. I probably go to hell. After what I've done, what I've been through. I might not kill people, but I do things that are forbidden. Bad things.
But do things like I want others to be happy count? Just to slowly reduce the sins.

  Hmm, I think I'll never know. God's secret. I actually don't wanna go to hell either. But things are hard lately and I should really start to put my God first. Thank Him every step of my way. For His blessings have made me this kind of person. No matter how often I doubt, underestimate and hate myself. Because whatever sin I do, still, He forgives, and forgives and even bless me, and still, gives me things I need, I want.

  I'm ashamed of Him. I can tell. Because I am. But then I still haven't changed yet. I still sin. Am I a hard-headed person or a dumb one, I don't know. I'm almost giving up finding out why is it so hard to do what He tell us. Why is it so hard to resist the temptation of not breaking the rules? Is this human nature? Probably is, but we have brains, and hearts and senses. I just don't use it sometimes. I don't even know which part of me resisting the will of doing good things and avoiding myself from making sin. Especially to pray.

  The devil in me is strong. I need help. I maybe have fought it, but I lost most of the time. The only answer is that I have to start my prayers. I must. I went too far, lately. I don't regret anything though. I've experienced much so I hope I could learn. But hell, who would've known, with brain like mine.

  But I really truly hope that I could change into a better me. Still me, but better. More religious hahaha. I'm not supposed to laugh. So, ok. That is all. I guess. Still more to come from this expanding and developing small brain.