I was everybody’s best friend until i realize that some
people just weren't meant to be in my life forever. Some people weren't meant
to stay and most people had to be banished for my own good. I got it sorted,
with the help of my boyfriend, who had helped me to deal with difficult times. Sometimes
i just can’t accept the fact that i’m not “everybody’s best friend” anymore. I miss
the random conversations from different people. I miss the people as well. I just
don't think that I'm gonna go back to my old life. I just don't want to. I've chosen
to live the life I'm living right now. With sorted out best friends, this time
they’re even more real, i can really rely on them. I can talk to them whenever
i want. I can say anything to them without hurting their feelings because they’ll
know that im kidding, but of course, i know the limitation.
They respect me. They know i exist, i can feel their love. My
former “best friends” didn't make me feel that way. Yes they provide the time
to hang out for me. They made me laugh. But sometimes i just hate them because
they made me feel like i was worthless. Like i didn't exist. No, they talked to
me, but in such horrible way. Like i was an object of their jokes. I didn't
know how did i cope up with that kind of treatment. Maybe because i had no
other friends to hang out with, and that time i was desperate to distract my
attention from thinking about my ex-boyfriend too much. But then i got back
together with my ex, and he started to help me organize my life in his way. Hard,
terrible times i had at that point where the transition of leaving it all
behind happened. I was forced to let go of them, and started to think about
what would be good for me. For my life. For my kind of social life. Because i
know i don't belong there. I was just lost. Stranded in a life full of
unappreciative people that had to become my friends.
I actually was lost by the time i reached 8th grade. I got
into a fight with my girl best friend, and began to hate each other. Some of my
friends took my side, and the others took hers. then, i didn't know how, i hung
out with some friends that were below my standard. I know it isn't a good thing
to use hierarchy in determining other people’s status, but you know deep inside
your heart, when someone just doesn't meet the qualification of being your
friend, you just can’t be one hundred percent their friend. Because that’s
what i felt that day, and i can’t be a hypocrite, not at a time like this.
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I am actually continuing my old drafted blog post i neglected for, what, 4 years!
I'm glad that im still thinking about the same thing as i did before. But now i don't even know how world works anymore. It's gotten mixed up or it's playing with my mind, who the hell knows. I dont know. I feel so content with life, with work, with everything else i ever know of. But then something just had to step in and mess with my peaceful state of heart and mind. Well not exactly that peaceful. I think about my future, my own and the life with my boyfriend if we ever have the chance to get married anytime soon. I've been clueless of what i should do. Guess I've been paying too much attention on how to live up to other people's expectations. Or does the past keep bothering me with this haunting fear of being pushed away, i have no idea.
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All i can say right at this moment is that life is just so mysterious we can never guess what's up ahead of us. Like, can not.
