People are graduating from college. My close friend from elementary school just did. Here's her announcements, status updates from Facebook and the proof, she screenshot this from her college web and edited it then she added a picture-of-a-girl-with-the-tears-of-joy-streaming-down-her-face to it, then posted it to her Instagram and to Twitter:
Exciting isn't it? I'm so happy for her.
And now, me. I'm still waiting for my time to start it. I haven't even started yet. It's kind of intimidating. The thoughts of knowing that I'm far behind them, my class of 2009. I'm 3 years behind. While I'm still struggling with assignments, papers, lecturers, college, they'll start talking about jobs, offices, the bosses, the money... MARRIAGE. I'm actually kind of embarrassed. I'm scared. And there's the pressure. Oh great. I maybe wouldn't really care if I'm only 2 years behind. But 3? That's a lot to adjust.
My coming friends will be like my little sister. I could be not growing up. This relates to my maturity. Which is still on progress. I'll be trapped in this teen environment so my maturity development would be just like them. While I keep ageing. Would I be just degrading my maturity? And continue developing it according to them? So I'm gonna be an 18 year-old trapped in a 20 year-old body? It's too complicated for me to even explain all this. Even through writing. And I have to adapt myself befriend with them and studying with them. Since I only talk to them if my sister bring some of her friends to my house. And I'll only greet them with hellos. But this, I have to talk with them, everyday. Having conversation, discussing my subjects, working on group assignments, maybe hangout.
I don't take this seriously until my friends are started graduating, starting the thesis, -- the people I had passed the orientation days with while I was still on my previous college are actually starting to make their thesis proposals. Wish them the best of luck. I hope my journey can be as smooth as they have. It's not even smooth for them, I know, but at least I can graduate as fast as they can. And I'm gonna have to work really fuckin hard to achieve it.
Well, I'll just give it all to God.
Having to see my dad with his frustrated face reminds me of how much I want to spend last night praying, asking for things that would probably be granted since it was the Night of Nisfu Sya'ban. The Day Allah comes down to earth sky and listening to every prayer out there, and He will make it come true. And for that, we have to fast the next day. But, if we don't apologise to other people, especially our parents for our bad behaviours or mistakes, the prayers won't be granted. At least that's what I know.
I'm still choked about that. I'm still on my last days of period. And I need last night so bad. I maybe not a very religious person, but I do believe in God. I may have sinned so many times, but I really want to pray for my family. I don't want to see my dad and mom have those horrid looks and despair shows on their faces it makes me uncomfortable. I feel bad to know that I'm mean to them almost all the time.
With my dad trying to search for every business opportunity he can find, working his ass off for that, it didn't work. For more than 10 years. He told me a couple of times that he's sorry that he can't make it faster. He said that he's so grateful and lucky to have us, his children, still standing beside him, loving him, and supporting him after all he had done to us. That we are so patient. Because maybe there's nothing else to hold on without our moral support.
And mom, with her hard working habit, trying to help the financial problems. She's not really giving any moral support directly, but I know that she prays more than all of us. She maybe a bit different. But with the way life has been going on, she shows that she's tougher than any woman I've ever known. She stands the pain, the suffers, and the sweat that fortunately and luckily helps a lot.
I really wanna help. Like, really want to help them. And I know I should pray more often. At times I feel like I realise things, what I should and shouldn't, but I guess because of my lack of praying, the devil in me are so much stronger the angel. And I know I can change it, but I still don't know when i will make up my own mind. The laziness in me is beyond anything I can imagine. Bad habit. Yes, clearly. I'm still working on it, trying to fix everything in me. My forgetfulness, my obscurity in telling something that has to be clear, laziness, stupidity of course.
I know I can't only count on days like last night. The days when God's next to us, and I could ask for everything I want. When in fact, on my daily life I barely pray. Barely do what I should do, what He asks. And I don't avoid things I know that it's bad. I feel so low, and shallow and sooo bad. I can't be like this forever. I also don't want to let anybody down even more than I have already done. I've let down so many people, and it's the last thing on my mind to think of such thing as another failure. And disappointment. It's a miracle that they still love me. Although maybe some people left.
So, whatever result my dad might get, I'll still try to find my way out of this hell hole and survive with or without my dad's money. I only want to make him happy, not seeing him with his blank stares, God knows what he's thinking about. And just to see mom not having to work so hard to make money with her baking. Just sit down relax and get the money from their children. That's all. I mean, they're getting older and older and weaker everyday. They have to rest, enjoy their lives since they've done so much for us. And I can't stop imagining how life would be without them in it. Without the love, the caress, the orders, the jokes they throw that are not so funny but they laugh because they want to play with us.
I want to always be there for them, spending my time with them. Even though I know they're such a pain in the ass sometimes. But I look back and realised, I WAS a major pain in their asses back then. Me and my siblings. Guess all I have to do is just to be more patient to them like they had been very patient to me when they raised me. It will be hard. And it's not like I will always be there for them every second of my life. I have other things to do. But I will make them my priority. I don't care about anything else. I love them more than world. More than my own life.
PS : I started writing this since last week, but just had the chance today to finish and publish the post. Hhh, shared computer sucks. I want my own laptop or whatever.
