I Suck

I miss those times where we can enjoy a day without a fight. Even days. Like, will it happen again? Or will we spend our lives fighting over things that sometimes unnecessary? We've had this phase? Right? Why does this happen again? Is it us? Or is it you? Or me?

I mean, it's fine to fight. But this is far too often.We're being way too harsh towards each other. Our egos take the best of us, lately. I hate my ego. I don't know about you, but I think you do too. It's like we "engorgio" the problems.

But we fight for each other. That's all that matters for me. I will never let go. Yes, sometimes I lose myself and I get carried away, and you can be a major pain in the ass sometimes, but that doesn't mean I want to live a life without you. I've been there. No turning back. No. Imagining what my life would be like without you is like imagining losing one of my family members. Because you're more than just boyfriend.

Just so you know, I don't get mad to people I don't love. Because I don't care if they make mistakes or hurt me. Because if I'm mad at them, they'll leave me while I'm still in need for their existence. I need them for a purpose I may say. And I know they'll go away eventually.

But the people I get mad to are those whom I want to stay in my life. People whom I know won't leave me no matter how hard the situation is. And no matter how mad I am to them. And I have this full faith and trust in them that they will take me as I am. And I have that only in my family, and you. Trust me, I may seem a trustful person outside, but inside, it's only you and my family. That's why I never get mad if someone blows me off for another importance that probably is less important than me. But when it's you or my family, I can get crazy. I'm afraid that I'm not important anymore. I'm afraid that you find someone else better. I'm afraid that I will lose all of you. And that's a sign that I'm comfortable to bring out the real me to them. I know I have no right to say mean things to you, but that's how I really feel when I'm mad about something. I probably am wrong, but at least I get to let out things that kill me inside to the people I really, undoubtedly, trust. Reading it again makes me think that I'm doing a risky behaviour. I might lose them. I might lose you. I might. I may. I'm still scared, but if someday, out of the blue, you left me, that would mean that I made a stupid mistake. I would have to change the way I trust people. My behaviour towards people I love. Maybe I have to be mad at people I just knew rather than the people I knew for a long time.

Maybe this is stupid. Maybe I have to start being a normal person. But it won't be that easy for me. I want me to deserve you. I didn't want to embarrass you if we really lived together one day. I want to be this fine woman who will make you stay and don't even want to look at any other women.

Forgive me if this offends you. I don't mean anything bad. This probably looks bad, but that's what it actually feels like. I'm weird.

So Long, Madrasah No. 5

I don't know where to begin. But that house that belongs to my grandparents in Kemang is obviously older than my older sister -- she's 28 now. Because it was built years before she wasn't even born yet. Built by my father and grandfather. A Spanish-Hacienda kind of house. It was a big house. Even my house is probably only its quarter. Not even a half big. No second storey though. But it was big enough to be a small track of a little go-kart bike. My siblings and I used to fight over the bike because there was only one like it. I still have the photo of it.
The bathroom. Bigger than my room I guess. Crazy, huh?
And to reach the main room, which was my grandparents room, we had to take a long enough walk from the front door.
When the bell rang, it rang like really noisy because it wasn't an electric bell. It was that copper or brass bell I can't tell the difference.

My brother and I used to stay there when I was in high school and he was in junior high. Because it was a lot nearer to go to school from there. Grandma made me breakfast and grandpa always walked me out of the house until I took a cab. I love them very much.

The garden, so vast. Green. Full of big trees around it. It was so awesome. My grandfather loved greenery. He worked as a golf captain that led a golf match. That's why he loved a vast yard of grasses. Then there's this mango tree on the backyard which my siblings and I used to climb when we were little.
When she was only a toddler, my older sister always played alone at the garden and quite frighteningly, she met and had a conversation with my late great grandmother. My grandma told her a few years ago that my great grandmother had passed away 2 years before my sister was born. Sooo... my sister was shocked. Haha.

Every time a party was thrown, either it was a birthday party or christmas, the guests were always dancing on the common room. And always escorted by a pianist on the grand piano. The foods were extraordinarily delicious, cooked by my awesome mom and my aunt. My favourite until now it that soy sauce stewed beef tongue. So good.
The party always lasted until almost midnight that the guests had finally gone home.

Those were such fine and happy moments.

Now it was all gone. This is so dramatic actually. My cousin made them all gone away. He married a low-life peasant and she persuaded him to sell more than half of the house then built an ugly house. As my father would say, "a Spanish-Hacienda house turns into an ugly chinese+padangnese, tacky house." God knows what else. So the sold probably 3/4 of the house, built a smaller one, and the rest of the money went to their pocket and none to my grandparents. The house now is just as big as mine. The beautiful vast garden was gone. My grandpa's happiness was taken away with only a few metres square garden left. He fell sick, and stressed out, and he passed away. Maybe God just didn't want him to suffer.
Even the old big christmas tree is now replaced with a small one. We used to decorate them. We used to buy gifts and presents to one another. I'm no Christian, I'm just respecting my grandparents, that's all.

In one week, the house is gonna be empty. All the memories that left there are gonna be gone as well. I know memories stay in our hearts, but sometimes you just need the things that make you remember the memories and make them alive.

Now it's just my grandma, fighting those bastards. With an awful daughter, and a pathetic son. It is all a mess right now. Not even a thing is proper. They sold the house too. They plan to live faraway from the other families. They take my grandma with them, and provide her a small, servant-like room. Absolutely inappropriate for my grandma who has live her life with that high of a level. And now she, in her 80s, has to live like that, adapting at this age, with nobody but them, and no more money. Not even love from both of them loathsome disgusting creatures.
Only us, her true families, her old nice and expensive clothes, fine jewellery, and the memories.

Protect her, God. Make her happy. I can't. Let alone them. Please. Let my father's business be succeeded. To help her. Nobody else could. Please.

Well, Fuck!

What the heck is wrong with me? I never hate video games. I love them. But nowadays my love turns into hatred.

I hate how my boyfriend's attention got confiscated by it. Maybe that's the main reason. I don't hate the game. I hate the distraction it makes. I hate the diversion it makes that it diverts his attention from me, to the game. To the whole thing of this fuckin video game stuff. No matter how cool the game is. And it's fuckin online. He's interacting with other people too. That adds the distraction. The diversion. Fuck.
And he has a good time with them. Why can't it be me? Why can't I have a good time like he has? He's with his thing. Why can't I be with mine?

He spent a lot of money for games. Why can't I spend money for what I like? Why? Why can't I have my good time? Why does it have to be him? Always. Can't I interact with other people like he interacts with his friends??? Why am I the only one that has to be patient? Why me? There's no difference being home and with him. I'm the one that's always losing. I want to do my own thing. Like he does his. I want to have what I want. I always get what I need, and I'm grateful for that, but can't I have what I want? Can't I order people to do things? I'm the one that's always being ordered. They tell me to do things I don't fuckin wanna do!

Fuck!!! I hate my life! I hate how universe works these days! I hate people! I hate how lame myself is! I hate everything! I know I'm acting like a 5 year old right now. I know. I don't fuckin care. Fuck logic. Fuck facts! Fuck my needs! Fuck my wants. I hate you all!!!!!!!

Some People are Just Numb at Hearts

Just copied this news below from here. I just don't understand why. Why an elementary school that's full of children. Innocent children. Killed. Go to hell, bastard.

"NEWTOWN, CONN. — A lone gunman killed 27 people at an elementary school here, including 18 children, in a terrifying early Friday morning shooting spree.

Two handguns were recovered at the scene.

Mayor Mark Boughton said several victims had been taken to local hospitals. But details were sketchy. The Newtown Bee reported that a police officer carried a seriously wounded child from the building.

Groups of students — some crying, some holding hands — were being escorted away from the school by their teachers. Some students were still in the school at 10:30 a.m., after it was placed on lock down, parents said.

The school is in a residential, wooded neighborhood about 90 minutes north of New York City. It has 39 teachers and about 650 students. A reverse 911 call went out to parents warning of an incident. Parents were being reunited with children. But, NBC Connecticut reported, police were searching the area behind the school with guns drawn.

Terese Lestik was relieved to find her five year old daughter, Eva, unharmed.

"I heard a boom-boom,'' Eva said of the gunshots she heard earlier.

"I'm horrified,'' said Terese Lestik. "I just pray for whoever is hurt."

Alexis Wasik, a third-grader at the school, said police were checking everybody inside the school before they were escorted to the firehouse. She said she heard shots and saw her former nursery school teacher being taken out of the building on a stretcher, but didn't know if the woman had been shot.

"We had to walk with a partner," said Wasik, 8. One child leaving the school said that there was shattered glass everywhere. A police officer ran into the classroom and told them to run outside and keep going until they reach the firehouse, The Hartford Courant reported.

Dozens of state troopers are on the scene assisting local police. Heavily armed police gathered in front of the school around 10:45 a.m., and a number of stretchers were set up.

A law enforcement official says the attacker in the Connecticut school shootings is a 20-year-old man with ties to the school.

The official said that a gun used in the attacks is a .223-caliber rifle. The official also said that New Jersey state police are searching a location in that state in connection with the shootings.

The official in Washington spoke on the condition of anonymity because the source was not authorized to speak on the record about the developing criminal investigation.

The school superintendent's office says the district has locked down schools as a preventive measure to ensure the safety of students and staff. State police spokesman Lt. Paul Vance says they have a number of personnel on the scene to assist.

A 1:30 p.m. press conference has been scheduled."

Fucked by Ego

I feel like a jerk. No. I AM a jerk. I can't please people the way they want me to. What I did was always wrong. Why am I this stupid? Could I just be whatever people expect me to be? Could I just live without disappointing myself and people around me? I feel worthless of everything they've given to me. Their love, their attention, their kindness. I feel like I don't belong anymore in their world because of the mistakes I always make. Every single friggin day. I don't even know how to take care of myself in this early twenties. I'm not grown enough, not mature enough, not tough enough to be a normal person. People aren't perfect. But there's still something about their imperfection that makes them stand out. Makes them useful. Makes them attract people. But me? What is good in me? Except being nice and nice and nice to people without being useful. Even my kindness considered as annoying. Pay attention to people while I'm not giving myself a care.

I can't believe I've grown up into such ridiculous person I never thought I would be. I turn out to be an embarrassment, an annoying grumpy creature. Call me a pessimist. But this is what happens right now. I'm disgusted by me. I want to bang my head to the wall so hard I die. I don't want to be a burden of anyone. They have enough burden already. I can't even please my boyfriend. What I do is always ruining his day, his mood, his college, his life, emptying his wallet because of my various needs and because of my poverty. I want a clue, an illumination as to what I should do to change me. What in the hell should I do??? I'm tired of being me. Too many imperfections. Even the worst people on earth don't make the ones they love unhappy. Maybe that makes me the number one worst people on earth. I should be proud. Then kill myself. What's in me? Even paying attention to someone I love considered a bad thing. What's wrong with me? Why did I do things that are stupid? Why can't I think straight? Why can't I control my feelings?

I'm a child. Trapped in a 21 year old body. Guess I've said that before. Yeah. It hasn't changed a bit. Even a bit. I wonder why people still care about me. Still act nice in front of me. I'm this awful. My brain's not working properly, I'm slow, I'm stupid, I'm careless, I'm impulsive, I get angry a lot of times. Call me a pessimist, but that's the truth. The real thing. I'm not exeggerating. I mean, why do they still like me? I don't know. But thank you Allah, You don't make me live alone in this mean world. but why am I like this? I want to bring happiness to people I love? Can't I? Why don't You help me accomplish that? Why do You let me suffer like this? Why do You let me feel like I'm the worst person in the world? Is it wrong to care about someone without ruining his day and his feelings?

Kenapa Ya Allah? Kasih petunjuk. Kenapa Aca harus nurut terus sama orang lain, tapi aca ga bisa bikin orang lain nurut sama Aca? Apa Aca seburuk itu? Kalo iya Aca minta maaf, ampuni Aca. Kasih Aca yang petunjuk yang bener ya Allah. Aca pengen nyenengin orang lain kaya orang lain udah nyenengin Aca. Kurangin ego Aca yang besar ini Ya Allah. Tolong.

Being Different Sucks

I feel so different from most of my family members. My dad, sisters and brothers don't care about getting good grades. They say that most of graduated students with high GPA can do NOTHING. High GPA doesn't give any guarantee that we will be smart in any way. It stabbed me a little. I want good grades. I want to do well in real life as well. But I don't have enough cleverness to prove them that I can do both.

I hate having this thoughts that I'm the combination of my parents' egos. My sisters and brother are all like my father. But me, I'm both. I want to have good grades, and I want to be clever without having good grades. Like my sisters, they don't have good grades, but the do well in real life. They use their brains. And now confusion gets the best of me. I don't know how to use my brain. I have difficulties with it sometimes.

I know I should be grateful. But you know, I'm in the middle of the peer pressure that makes me do whatever the majority of a community does. And I hate that. I want to live with my own expectations for myself, I don't want to depend on other people's expectations, or opinions, or anything. I want to be balanced.

I get crazy every time I think about this. I feel bad, regret of showing my scores to my parents, I feel sad that I'm different. I don't want to feel any offending words that come out of their mouths. I'm sick of it. So I don't know whether I'll be glad or not when I get the GPA result. I'll sure be happy, but I have this imprinted opinion that if you have it high, you can't be sure that you're smart. It's excruciating.