I Suck

I miss those times where we can enjoy a day without a fight. Even days. Like, will it happen again? Or will we spend our lives fighting over things that sometimes unnecessary? We've had this phase? Right? Why does this happen again? Is it us? Or is it you? Or me?

I mean, it's fine to fight. But this is far too often.We're being way too harsh towards each other. Our egos take the best of us, lately. I hate my ego. I don't know about you, but I think you do too. It's like we "engorgio" the problems.

But we fight for each other. That's all that matters for me. I will never let go. Yes, sometimes I lose myself and I get carried away, and you can be a major pain in the ass sometimes, but that doesn't mean I want to live a life without you. I've been there. No turning back. No. Imagining what my life would be like without you is like imagining losing one of my family members. Because you're more than just boyfriend.

Just so you know, I don't get mad to people I don't love. Because I don't care if they make mistakes or hurt me. Because if I'm mad at them, they'll leave me while I'm still in need for their existence. I need them for a purpose I may say. And I know they'll go away eventually.

But the people I get mad to are those whom I want to stay in my life. People whom I know won't leave me no matter how hard the situation is. And no matter how mad I am to them. And I have this full faith and trust in them that they will take me as I am. And I have that only in my family, and you. Trust me, I may seem a trustful person outside, but inside, it's only you and my family. That's why I never get mad if someone blows me off for another importance that probably is less important than me. But when it's you or my family, I can get crazy. I'm afraid that I'm not important anymore. I'm afraid that you find someone else better. I'm afraid that I will lose all of you. And that's a sign that I'm comfortable to bring out the real me to them. I know I have no right to say mean things to you, but that's how I really feel when I'm mad about something. I probably am wrong, but at least I get to let out things that kill me inside to the people I really, undoubtedly, trust. Reading it again makes me think that I'm doing a risky behaviour. I might lose them. I might lose you. I might. I may. I'm still scared, but if someday, out of the blue, you left me, that would mean that I made a stupid mistake. I would have to change the way I trust people. My behaviour towards people I love. Maybe I have to be mad at people I just knew rather than the people I knew for a long time.

Maybe this is stupid. Maybe I have to start being a normal person. But it won't be that easy for me. I want me to deserve you. I didn't want to embarrass you if we really lived together one day. I want to be this fine woman who will make you stay and don't even want to look at any other women.

Forgive me if this offends you. I don't mean anything bad. This probably looks bad, but that's what it actually feels like. I'm weird.