Damn Pre-Period Torment

  I had a horrible week. It was initiating my period today. Thank God for the strength now I've made it through. Now I feel just fine. No more bad thoughts, insecurities, or fear of losing someone I love to death or even get cranky everytime someone annoys me.

  I don't know why or how this pre-period sensitivity could do something so powerful, enough to break somebody down. Mentally. And not to mention the physical torment. The brain worked hard for things that it shouldn't even think about. It worked by itself, I couldn't control it. So much for that, I crumbled. It got the best of me. Then I got used to think about horrible things every minute I had back then. Bad thoughts were surrounding me, haunting. I even cried myself to sleep for days. I wasted so much energy to strengthen myself. Assuring and saying to myself that those bad terrible things wouldn't happen, all of it was just happening inside my mind. So I got really tired of it.

  Maybe other people have their own kinds of self-torment on a week before their period, and their first painful torturous day -- which most people called it "PMS or Pre Menstrual Syndrome", but I read something that "PMS" only happens after you're 30 year old. So if I happen to be wrong, I'd rather use my own version of "PMS".

  My kind of this pre period torment is bad. It brings out the monster in me. Like something awakens it every month from its sleep and that monster starts to rule my body, mind, and it tortures my ovarium. I get even angrier, crankier, and, oh, the monster is hungry as hell, so it wants me to eat more to make it satisfied. But I actually don't care about the rising appetite. What I'm concerned about is my mind.

  How the hell it changes so fast to an overreacting mind I don't have before. And it loses the ability to calm down and think logically. It's out of control. And with that, suddenly people are more annoying than they ever were, things get more complicated. It ruins everything I've organised well inside my head. Then it ruins the heart. It's taking the faith, and the most vital thing -- that little voice that always telling me to relax, telling me that God is planning something, it's just a phase of your period, it will be over soon -- it's GONE! It is always gone away when I need it the most. Maybe I have to get used to it, I have to find a way to survive without it. Because after that one week, all of a sudden I feel so damn good again. Like I always have. Maybe not everyday, and I know I am a cranky one, but I can control it when I want to. The appetite won't change either way. I love food a little bit more than I love people. I only share my food to people I really really love and I share it because I know I can take a bite of their foods as well. And for the record, I don't share my favourite food to anyone. Well, I guess it's exceptional and depend on what kind of mood I have that time.

  Okay I was blabbering.

  So the point is, after that one week and that first day, I am back. It's like a heavy burden is lifted off my shoulders. If it's just the way it is, then I can accept that. I have to accept that. Every one week on every month, I have to suffer like that. And I need no one to add more discomfort. I wish I could tell everyone to behave in front of me for that one week. Not saying anything I don't want to hear, or doing anything that would annoy me. Just do what I say. But the hell I can't. If I could, I wouldn't miss that for the world.

  But I owe my family and my boyfriend a lot for sticking up with me and I wonder why they still love me despite my awful personality and behaviour. And withstand them. I know I am a pain in the ass, and I apologise.

Woman > Men ???

  I'm kind of disgusted by romantic guys. It's like it's not their nature to be too nice and soft. I have unromantic one. But sometimes I wanted him to be a little romantic, but then I said to myself, "are you insane?!" -- hey, humans never get satisfied. And when he actually turns out to be a bit romantic, it was a bit weird, because it's not like him, but then again, it's exactly what I wanted before. Duh! I have a feeling of being not so grateful for what God has given me. But of course I am. So eternally grateful for his existence.

  Okay, that's just the opening. Because this is what I really want to say.

  Romantic guys seem feminine. I don't like them because, like I said before, they're too nice, and too gentle to their girls. And when they got extremely devoted, they could do anything their girls are asking for. They sacrifice everything. Maybe I know only a little, but this is my opinion that I've been questioning these days. And most of all, they appear like bunch of gays. No I just despise them so much because they let their women rule them like slaves. They actually were born to be the leader and the strong and protective part of humanity. And now some of them are just the kind of lame and weak human beings.

  I mean, guys used to have, and still do have control. They can do everything they want, as long as it's not immoral. They also have the right to be treated well. And women, were supposed to just stay at home and be sophisticated and elegant and graceful and all ladylike. But with the way things has changed and works nowadays, with women emancipation, they also have the right to rule, even to rule the country, they're so independent, some of them don't stay on the ground. They get snob and arrogant, and misusing their ability to rule to just order men to do things all the time. But men do it all the time either. So I guess the woman are revenging for their old lives. I become really pissed off with the way they're behaving. They have no respect. Can't they just be balanced, men and women?

  I hate to see men going out for groceries, or do the households and taking care of the kids. Which those things are supposed to be done by women -- excluding the cooking, men are such great cooks, and Gusteau also said "Anyone Can Cook", so I don't mind. But it still seems weird for me. Like they don't deserve those kinds of things. Like washing the dishes, doing the laundry, ironing, give bathe to the kids. Well I probably be wrong, so excuse me if I am. Just fuckin saying.

  I'll have some correction for this post. But I won't do it now, I'm sleepy as hell.

Life That Has Been Missed

  High School. One of the education levels of our lives that is the most fun time most people -- according to my own kind of survey -- have ever experienced. The large amount of friends, dramatic love stories, the conflict between students, the clashes with other schools, fights and hatred among the grades -- juniors and seniors -- and also the teachers, staffs, frenemies, homeworks, school organisations, school events, even the building itself, are what make the high school even more everlasting. Not to mention the involvement and participation in prom, yearbook committee, and other school events.

  Well, I missed them all. Not that I "missed" them like "I wanna repeat it all over again", I skipped it. Those things were passing me by. I didn't have the chance to have em all. No bunch of friends, didn't get involved in any kind of committees, let alone dramatic love stories -- just pathetically excited to have crushes and stalking over those guys who don't even know me. I tried to ignore all of it for years, until it rushes through me these days, while my little sister is growing up to be the girl I wish I could be. Getting ready for prom, school parties, love story. And that's how universe reminds and makes me realise how much I want it all to come true.

  I was too forgettable. Try and ask my not-so-close friends from high school. Would they remember me? I don't think so.

  I really wanna be known for what I am, like as if they would take a look at me one more time and realise I was there. Know me because I'm kind. Known for my personality, my cleverness. Not just by being pretty, which I'm not. I want to be recognised and greeted when I'm walking along the hallway, the corridor. I don't want to be the centre of attention, I just want to be a part of their attention. Like I mean something for them. I want to have friends that don't hate me, yes, all of my hopes and dreams are too cliché, but hey who doesn't have hopes and dreams like me?

  I want to be remembered and respected by my juniors. But hell I didn't even stand out in school. I was hidden by insecurities I had had since my elementary school. So I didn't really blend in. I didn't register for any extras, so I didn't get acquainted with my seniors or juniors.

  I want to wear beautiful prom dress to my senior prom, I wanna have a date. Don't need any nominees. And don't care. It's good to be a Prom Queen, or best dressed, but I'm not really passionate for it.

  I want to be special. So people notice me. I know we're all special, but not all people, me in particular, know how to show their differences, show people who they really are. One reason I know is that I'm damn afraid of rejection. I'm afraid of what people think about me. So I always hold back, I don't know how to show everything I've got in me in a way that people can relate and accept me well. I'm just too ordinary. I'm nobody. I don't have what other people call "spark". I can't excite people. Until now.

  That's why I'm too nice to people. I want them to like me. But it turns out they take advantages of me. And I somehow don't really give a fuck. As long as I have more friends. It's not good, yes. not at all. Using people's kindness and taking credits from it. Foul people they are. But I still do want a happy, dramatic, fun high school moments.

  I'm such an embarrassment in my family. All of my siblings had amazing times in high school. They have bunch of friends visiting our house often. They're recognised by people around them for their personalities, cleverness, and talents. Even mom and dad.

  If I could change it, I would. Gladly. I'd start from junior high. Picking the right friends, choosing every kind of things more wisely, study harder, think more critically. I actually can't talk about this. I shouldn't. Because it's like I don't appreciate what I already have now. No, not at all. I appreciate my life now more than I want my hopes and dreams I wrote above to come true. I am so grateful to God. Because my real life experience has made me accept bad things more patiently. It has given me a big heart. Even though I haven't really controlled my emotions, but I can be patient for most things that I find disturbing and other things I should be patient for. And I know someday I can be a better person. The experience that has led me to amazing people I know now. And they make me stay on the ground. Humbler than before. 

  It's only I want to know how it feels like to have it all. Known by people, to be everybody's friends, and all of it I wrote earlier. That's all. Is it that wrong to just wonder and imagine? I know time can't be turned back. Or is it just too much to ask? Probably.

You Are Who You Are Because of What You Were.

  Things are going really well for these last two days. I really enjoyed it. Everything in my life is getting much easier with me being completely honest and say what's on my mind, what's bothering me, and the burden is no longer piling up. I have a healthier relationship. And I feel a lot lighter. Like I finally shake off all the burden away. And now he's really trying to understand a bit more.

  So you see when you let it all out, it is always gonna be for the best result, the best for everything. Best is not always in a good way, sometimes it comes in the most awful way but in the end it gives you so much more to appreciate and it teaches you to stand even taller. Cause when you've overcome the pain when life gives you the worst, you can always see life in a better way. In a way that's best for you, the way that God has made for you. To accept God's gift with an effort. Because that's how it really is. It's gonna be worth every single bit of pain you've suffered. You suffer because you will be happy after that. Everything has a reason. So don't ever be afraid to fall, cause when you fall, you're gonna be picked up again for a greater good. An even more awesome life.

  Yea I know what i just wrote is a cliche. Everybody knows that. But what I'm really trying to do here is to convince myself that it's okay to be wrong. I'm writing this to myself. Because it's only you who can lift yourself up. Deciding not to beat yourself up over your mistakes is a hard thing to do. I can't really absorb what I'm thinking if I don't put it on a piece of paper or to write it on something. I need to speak of it so I can remember it. And realise how things actually work.

  Things happen. It's all God's arrangement. Every single step we make. No matter how we're gonna change it, it's always been written first. Because it is how it is. Things change, it's fate. We change our path because God makes us do that. So to everyone who makes it so complicated, it is as simple as it could be. No matter what we do, it's always God's plan. We thought about changing because God made us do it. All the decisions we made, the choices, everything. The only reason we thought about all of it is because God made us do all of it.

  So, I really need to remember this my whole life. If I want to survive.