Damn Pre-Period Torment

  I had a horrible week. It was initiating my period today. Thank God for the strength now I've made it through. Now I feel just fine. No more bad thoughts, insecurities, or fear of losing someone I love to death or even get cranky everytime someone annoys me.

  I don't know why or how this pre-period sensitivity could do something so powerful, enough to break somebody down. Mentally. And not to mention the physical torment. The brain worked hard for things that it shouldn't even think about. It worked by itself, I couldn't control it. So much for that, I crumbled. It got the best of me. Then I got used to think about horrible things every minute I had back then. Bad thoughts were surrounding me, haunting. I even cried myself to sleep for days. I wasted so much energy to strengthen myself. Assuring and saying to myself that those bad terrible things wouldn't happen, all of it was just happening inside my mind. So I got really tired of it.

  Maybe other people have their own kinds of self-torment on a week before their period, and their first painful torturous day -- which most people called it "PMS or Pre Menstrual Syndrome", but I read something that "PMS" only happens after you're 30 year old. So if I happen to be wrong, I'd rather use my own version of "PMS".

  My kind of this pre period torment is bad. It brings out the monster in me. Like something awakens it every month from its sleep and that monster starts to rule my body, mind, and it tortures my ovarium. I get even angrier, crankier, and, oh, the monster is hungry as hell, so it wants me to eat more to make it satisfied. But I actually don't care about the rising appetite. What I'm concerned about is my mind.

  How the hell it changes so fast to an overreacting mind I don't have before. And it loses the ability to calm down and think logically. It's out of control. And with that, suddenly people are more annoying than they ever were, things get more complicated. It ruins everything I've organised well inside my head. Then it ruins the heart. It's taking the faith, and the most vital thing -- that little voice that always telling me to relax, telling me that God is planning something, it's just a phase of your period, it will be over soon -- it's GONE! It is always gone away when I need it the most. Maybe I have to get used to it, I have to find a way to survive without it. Because after that one week, all of a sudden I feel so damn good again. Like I always have. Maybe not everyday, and I know I am a cranky one, but I can control it when I want to. The appetite won't change either way. I love food a little bit more than I love people. I only share my food to people I really really love and I share it because I know I can take a bite of their foods as well. And for the record, I don't share my favourite food to anyone. Well, I guess it's exceptional and depend on what kind of mood I have that time.

  Okay I was blabbering.

  So the point is, after that one week and that first day, I am back. It's like a heavy burden is lifted off my shoulders. If it's just the way it is, then I can accept that. I have to accept that. Every one week on every month, I have to suffer like that. And I need no one to add more discomfort. I wish I could tell everyone to behave in front of me for that one week. Not saying anything I don't want to hear, or doing anything that would annoy me. Just do what I say. But the hell I can't. If I could, I wouldn't miss that for the world.

  But I owe my family and my boyfriend a lot for sticking up with me and I wonder why they still love me despite my awful personality and behaviour. And withstand them. I know I am a pain in the ass, and I apologise.