Life That Has Been Missed

  High School. One of the education levels of our lives that is the most fun time most people -- according to my own kind of survey -- have ever experienced. The large amount of friends, dramatic love stories, the conflict between students, the clashes with other schools, fights and hatred among the grades -- juniors and seniors -- and also the teachers, staffs, frenemies, homeworks, school organisations, school events, even the building itself, are what make the high school even more everlasting. Not to mention the involvement and participation in prom, yearbook committee, and other school events.

  Well, I missed them all. Not that I "missed" them like "I wanna repeat it all over again", I skipped it. Those things were passing me by. I didn't have the chance to have em all. No bunch of friends, didn't get involved in any kind of committees, let alone dramatic love stories -- just pathetically excited to have crushes and stalking over those guys who don't even know me. I tried to ignore all of it for years, until it rushes through me these days, while my little sister is growing up to be the girl I wish I could be. Getting ready for prom, school parties, love story. And that's how universe reminds and makes me realise how much I want it all to come true.

  I was too forgettable. Try and ask my not-so-close friends from high school. Would they remember me? I don't think so.

  I really wanna be known for what I am, like as if they would take a look at me one more time and realise I was there. Know me because I'm kind. Known for my personality, my cleverness. Not just by being pretty, which I'm not. I want to be recognised and greeted when I'm walking along the hallway, the corridor. I don't want to be the centre of attention, I just want to be a part of their attention. Like I mean something for them. I want to have friends that don't hate me, yes, all of my hopes and dreams are too cliché, but hey who doesn't have hopes and dreams like me?

  I want to be remembered and respected by my juniors. But hell I didn't even stand out in school. I was hidden by insecurities I had had since my elementary school. So I didn't really blend in. I didn't register for any extras, so I didn't get acquainted with my seniors or juniors.

  I want to wear beautiful prom dress to my senior prom, I wanna have a date. Don't need any nominees. And don't care. It's good to be a Prom Queen, or best dressed, but I'm not really passionate for it.

  I want to be special. So people notice me. I know we're all special, but not all people, me in particular, know how to show their differences, show people who they really are. One reason I know is that I'm damn afraid of rejection. I'm afraid of what people think about me. So I always hold back, I don't know how to show everything I've got in me in a way that people can relate and accept me well. I'm just too ordinary. I'm nobody. I don't have what other people call "spark". I can't excite people. Until now.

  That's why I'm too nice to people. I want them to like me. But it turns out they take advantages of me. And I somehow don't really give a fuck. As long as I have more friends. It's not good, yes. not at all. Using people's kindness and taking credits from it. Foul people they are. But I still do want a happy, dramatic, fun high school moments.

  I'm such an embarrassment in my family. All of my siblings had amazing times in high school. They have bunch of friends visiting our house often. They're recognised by people around them for their personalities, cleverness, and talents. Even mom and dad.

  If I could change it, I would. Gladly. I'd start from junior high. Picking the right friends, choosing every kind of things more wisely, study harder, think more critically. I actually can't talk about this. I shouldn't. Because it's like I don't appreciate what I already have now. No, not at all. I appreciate my life now more than I want my hopes and dreams I wrote above to come true. I am so grateful to God. Because my real life experience has made me accept bad things more patiently. It has given me a big heart. Even though I haven't really controlled my emotions, but I can be patient for most things that I find disturbing and other things I should be patient for. And I know someday I can be a better person. The experience that has led me to amazing people I know now. And they make me stay on the ground. Humbler than before. 

  It's only I want to know how it feels like to have it all. Known by people, to be everybody's friends, and all of it I wrote earlier. That's all. Is it that wrong to just wonder and imagine? I know time can't be turned back. Or is it just too much to ask? Probably.