Fucked by Ego

I feel like a jerk. No. I AM a jerk. I can't please people the way they want me to. What I did was always wrong. Why am I this stupid? Could I just be whatever people expect me to be? Could I just live without disappointing myself and people around me? I feel worthless of everything they've given to me. Their love, their attention, their kindness. I feel like I don't belong anymore in their world because of the mistakes I always make. Every single friggin day. I don't even know how to take care of myself in this early twenties. I'm not grown enough, not mature enough, not tough enough to be a normal person. People aren't perfect. But there's still something about their imperfection that makes them stand out. Makes them useful. Makes them attract people. But me? What is good in me? Except being nice and nice and nice to people without being useful. Even my kindness considered as annoying. Pay attention to people while I'm not giving myself a care.

I can't believe I've grown up into such ridiculous person I never thought I would be. I turn out to be an embarrassment, an annoying grumpy creature. Call me a pessimist. But this is what happens right now. I'm disgusted by me. I want to bang my head to the wall so hard I die. I don't want to be a burden of anyone. They have enough burden already. I can't even please my boyfriend. What I do is always ruining his day, his mood, his college, his life, emptying his wallet because of my various needs and because of my poverty. I want a clue, an illumination as to what I should do to change me. What in the hell should I do??? I'm tired of being me. Too many imperfections. Even the worst people on earth don't make the ones they love unhappy. Maybe that makes me the number one worst people on earth. I should be proud. Then kill myself. What's in me? Even paying attention to someone I love considered a bad thing. What's wrong with me? Why did I do things that are stupid? Why can't I think straight? Why can't I control my feelings?

I'm a child. Trapped in a 21 year old body. Guess I've said that before. Yeah. It hasn't changed a bit. Even a bit. I wonder why people still care about me. Still act nice in front of me. I'm this awful. My brain's not working properly, I'm slow, I'm stupid, I'm careless, I'm impulsive, I get angry a lot of times. Call me a pessimist, but that's the truth. The real thing. I'm not exeggerating. I mean, why do they still like me? I don't know. But thank you Allah, You don't make me live alone in this mean world. but why am I like this? I want to bring happiness to people I love? Can't I? Why don't You help me accomplish that? Why do You let me suffer like this? Why do You let me feel like I'm the worst person in the world? Is it wrong to care about someone without ruining his day and his feelings?

Kenapa Ya Allah? Kasih petunjuk. Kenapa Aca harus nurut terus sama orang lain, tapi aca ga bisa bikin orang lain nurut sama Aca? Apa Aca seburuk itu? Kalo iya Aca minta maaf, ampuni Aca. Kasih Aca yang petunjuk yang bener ya Allah. Aca pengen nyenengin orang lain kaya orang lain udah nyenengin Aca. Kurangin ego Aca yang besar ini Ya Allah. Tolong.