Fuckin Dilemma

  Yes, it is questioned. Why? I wish I knew. Have I reached it? Guess I haven't. Yet.

  Some people have their own ways of finding their freedom. Some just find it, and some born with it, some just lose it and some have to struggle to earn it. Well I'm a little bit of every kind of them. I found my freedom, I was born with it, but I lost it and now I'm struggling to earn it.

  For me, freedom is to have the right to do anything you want as long as it stays in line. As long as it's still for a good purpose. No matter what it is. Maybe I'm not grown enough to define the true meaning of freedom itself, but I'm sure that I know I get the point of freedom. Now I'm trying to earn it, because I lost it once, because of my own stupidity, oh, more of that, I lost his trust also. So it is more than freedom. I should've taken the risk of having a boyfriend. I'm in a relationship, so I also have to appreciate whatever it is he dislikes. I just sometimes didn't realise that. Yes, I'm that stupid.

  But then, isn't freedom a privilege? Isn't it a human right? I feel lost sometimes. Confused.
Even now, I still don't know how to solve this.
I care about him a lot, I love him, like, with half of my heart, because the other half belongs to my family. I can never pick one as my number one priority. If I choose my family, I could lose him, but if I choose him, no matter what, I'll never lose my family, but I'll lose my quality time with them. I'm now a little bit far away from my family. I miss hanging out with them, laughing and I miss who I am when I'm with them.
I know I've been with them since I was born, but sometimes when I'm faraway from them, it's like some part of me just weakened. For they're the only ones who were always there for me since I was an infant. I just don't want to lose our togetherness, that's all. Because having fun with them is incomparable. We've been through everything together. Everything.

  And it does the same thing to him. This is the first time I feel really loved by others who isn't my family. A person, whom I knew from my friend. Unrelated. But he loves me like this. I can't tell how grateful I am to have him. It's indescribable.But he drives me crazy sometimes. Like I'm on the verge of breaking down completely. His excuses are senseless sometimes, and he can be an immature human being. And I feel so helpless because no matter what he does, I can't stop loving him. He's always there for me, he accepts me for who I am, and he makes me happy. I know that's what really matters.

  Maybe I just have to accept the truth that I already have a fine lot of moments with my family. 20 years of it. And now I just have to be a bit patient, because I used to get everything I wanted. And now God turn it all around. I still can have fun with them at home though. Just give me more strength, God. Give me a bigger heart. Make me think of something else, other than my version of freedom's definition. Just to illuminate my mind. To chill my mind out. Just to help me to have a clearer mind to think this through. This is depressing. Effin dilemma.