You'll Appreciate Your Home A Little Bit More When You're Not At Home

  Thinking about how I triggered the three days in a row fight, frustrates me, and makes me feel like I don't deserve anymore of his patience, more over his love. It's like I'm throwing away the opportunities he gave me to earn his trust back. And the addition, I started to break promises because of the things that are out of my control. And it's not that I don't listen to anything he says, I listen, but sometimes my silly little brain isn't able to catch and absorb it because of the amount of stress I have, so I get a little not focused. I probably have pushed my brain to think harder so it's tired already.

  I don't know what I should do. I can't think of any other ways to do something correctly. I couldn't make decisions on my own and I hate how things work out lately. And I was a total idiot to give out promises that I didn't know I can't make. People make other plans for me that don't fit in with my plans. That don't go with my promises. And I think I'm depressed thinking about how I can make my promises while other people make me do things that are out of my promises.

  I'm really struggling to make both of them without having to disappoint one. And it turns out I can't obey him for these few weeks. My family needs me to take care of my grandma, and we all don't have any idea about who will take care of her if me and my sister were not here. And unfortunately, I'm the least busy among the others at my house, so I have to accept that they're gonna make me stay here while they take care of their businesses. So I have no choice other than making my grandma my temporary priority. I can't stand the people here. Unethical ungrateful savages. I have nothing but patience, so I'm gonna use it only for these few weeks, then I'm out for school.

  This means I have to stand the fights. I have to stand the feelings this has caused me. The fear of him being disappointed by me. The fear of him leaving me because I'm a total asshole. The pounding heart while I'm nervous and scared thinking he's gonna get mad at me. The only thing I want right now is to go home. Don't have to make any promises and don't have to disappoint anybody. I'm tired being here. So many little things that make me depressed and put me in despair. And it lessens and lessens and ruins everything I've built and tried to earn lately. I want to go home so badly. I hope this ends soon.




P.S : I'm already at my home now, but I can't just leave the post to rot in my cellphone, unpublished.