There are always good and bad sides of everything. Even people. And for me, I am nice. But that's when I like you. When I don't, I can be a mean two-faced bitch who fakes smiles and laughs and acts like I like you. I consider myself as a mean person. You can never guess or even know what I'm actually up to. You can never know when I really like someone or when I'm just playing fake.
Maybe the reason of me playing fake is that I don't want to hurt them more than they already had been. 'Cause people I hate are sometimes hated by a lot of other people. And they know that they're hated. But when they're getting on my nerves I won't play fake anymore. I'll just be quiet and set up a no-interest face. Or I'll give them a slight frown. Those people aren't entirely hated, but sometimes I just hate them for my own personal reason. I don't know if I'm really mean, or just being nice, or fake, or I'm really good at hiding my feelings and not telling things that'll hurt others. It's not at all frustrating, but it rushes through my mind sometimes. About how people could be hated because of the things they aren't even able to change. Like people with gender problems. Maybe if they could choose, they'd choose to be perfectly straight. But they can't. They're made that way. But for some who can choose, and choose the wrong choice, it's their goddamn problems. I don't want want to think about it any further.
The only ones that I can't play fake to are my family and boyfriend. Maybe because I know I won't lose them no matter how angry I am to them. On second thought, that's about my family. I'm still kind of holding it with my boyfriend. I'm still looking for the right words to say to him whenever we talk and whenever we fight. Even though sometimes I don't and the fight goes big. But in the end I feel relieved to let it out. And thanks to Allah, I still have him now. Well, who would want to lose such an amazing guy. A guy who loves you back. Knowing your flaws and minuses and still loves you.
Well, back to what I was intending to talk about earlier.
Maybe it's not only me who plays fake and all. There's a lot of people out there playing fake with others. And with me. That's the reason I set my guards up every time I meet new people. I'm scared. Scared of being faked at. Although I can tell myself to not be scared because I can do the same thing, but deep inside, it's not so pleasant. Lots and lots of people hurt each other. And I can only avoid them so I wouldn't get hurt. Stick to those I care about and they care about me just the same.
I know what it's like to get faked at. I know how it feels. And I know how it feels to be taken advantage of. I'm the victim of my own life. My own surroundings. I wanna say I can never win, but that's not how it works. It's like a Ferris wheel of life. Once you go down you'll be up soon and vice versa. But there will always be a guard I create for new people I'm gonna meet. People like my high school friends who ruled everything and weren't giving anything but torment for a goddamn 3 years. People who shouldn't even exist. People who shouldn't even live happy. People who are fake all the time and only use money and fortune to hang out with each other. They'll end up loving and caring for each other but they won't get any from us, other students in that school. They actually should be imprisoned for being fake and incredibly mean. And especially the Yearbook committee for stealing money -- misusing, actually -- and producing an easily damaged book, here I'm giving you the evidence,
and only put the so-called-cool-kids' faces in it. Not all students in my school, but the cool kids only. I mean, it's our memories, put together in a book, but what happened is that we couldn't see our faces except theirs. They ruled the polls, the fun moments, every goddamn thing. In short, they stole our should've-been-happy moments. And our money! And we had to wait for 2 years to get the book.
Well, my words have strayed so I should just stop before this post turns into a post of jealousy and fury and anger and disappointment. They don't even think about me though. So why waste energy? I already did, but I don't care. HA.
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