2013-2017

I was everybody’s best friend until i realize that some people just weren't meant to be in my life forever. Some people weren't meant to stay and most people had to be banished for my own good. I got it sorted, with the help of my boyfriend, who had helped me to deal with difficult times. Sometimes i just can’t accept the fact that i’m not “everybody’s best friend” anymore. I miss the random conversations from different people. I miss the people as well. I just don't think that I'm gonna go back to my old life. I just don't want to. I've chosen to live the life I'm living right now. With sorted out best friends, this time they’re even more real, i can really rely on them. I can talk to them whenever i want. I can say anything to them without hurting their feelings because they’ll know that im kidding, but of course, i know the limitation.

They respect me. They know i exist, i can feel their love. My former “best friends” didn't make me feel that way. Yes they provide the time to hang out for me. They made me laugh. But sometimes i just hate them because they made me feel like i was worthless. Like i didn't exist. No, they talked to me, but in such horrible way. Like i was an object of their jokes. I didn't know how did i cope up with that kind of treatment. Maybe because i had no other friends to hang out with, and that time i was desperate to distract my attention from thinking about my ex-boyfriend too much. But then i got back together with my ex, and he started to help me organize my life in his way. Hard, terrible times i had at that point where the transition of leaving it all behind happened. I was forced to let go of them, and started to think about what would be good for me. For my life. For my kind of social life. Because i know i don't belong there. I was just lost. Stranded in a life full of unappreciative people that had to become my friends.

I actually was lost by the time i reached 8th grade. I got into a fight with my girl best friend, and began to hate each other. Some of my friends took my side, and the others took hers. then, i didn't know how, i hung out with some friends that were below my standard. I know it isn't a good thing to use hierarchy in determining other people’s status, but you know deep inside your heart, when someone just doesn't meet the qualification of being your friend, you just can’t be one hundred percent their friend. Because that’s what i felt that day, and i can’t be a hypocrite, not at a time like this.

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I am actually continuing my old drafted blog post i neglected for, what, 4 years!

I'm glad that im still thinking about the same thing as i did before. But now i don't even know how world works anymore. It's gotten mixed up or it's playing with my mind, who the hell knows. I dont know. I feel so content with life, with work, with everything else i ever know of. But then something just had to step in and mess with my peaceful state of heart and mind. Well not exactly that peaceful. I think about my future, my own and the life with my boyfriend if we ever have the chance to get married anytime soon. I've been clueless of what i should do. Guess I've been paying too much attention on how to live up to other people's expectations. Or does the past keep bothering me with this haunting fear of being pushed away, i have no idea.

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All i can say right at this moment is that life is just so mysterious we can never guess what's up ahead of us. Like, can not.

I Got Pitch-Slapped So Hard!!

So I just watched a musical drama comedy movie titled "Pitch Perfect" --starring Anna Kendrick, Skylar Astin, Brittany Snow, Rebel Wilson, Anna Camp, and Alexis Knapp-- and it was just a-ca-awesome --it's awesome but it's mentioned in the movie that way because this is an a cappella kind of music, so everything becomes "a-ca-scuse me (excuse me), and so on. This movie out on October 2012, and I just watched it like a week ago. Yes it's a long time of waiting, but it was worth all the wait.

My first look at Anna Kendrick was in Twilight Saga, bet you all know her. She played a big mouthed annoying best friend of Bella's. And who the hell knows that she CAN SING? So when I heard the rumour that she's gonna star in this movie I just didn't buy it. Like, can she really sing? But then I forgot about the movie until my boyfriend told me that he was watching it. So the very next day I watched it and got my jaw dropped. For many times. She was amazing, and I can't believe that she could play a role that was a lot different from her other recent films, Twilight and Up in The Air co-starring George Clooney. I quite adore her since she played Jessica on Twilight because her character was annoying but smart at the same time. But then she sshowed up at this really awesome movie, so it doubles up.

Brittany Snow played too, she was a nice girl here. And I also, of course, never thought she could sing. Damn western people they're great actors and actresses and they also sing! The world is unfair somehow. Yeah, she once played a role in "The Pacifier" with Vin Diesel and Max Thieriot. It was a great movie. But I guess it was made for all ages. Because it's so family oriented.

Then there's this hot chick from "Project X", Alexis Knapp. I don't know what to say, she played a slut in "Project X" and in this movie, she was addicted to sex. But real nice voice though. And she's damn georgeous too. I wanna be like her in certain ways. The body, hair, face, and the voice.

Rebel Wilson! She rocked. I misunderstood her accent as a British, because she was actually an Australian. She appeared in "This Means War" with Reese Witherspoon, Tom Hardy, and Chris Pine. She played a fake sister of Tom Hardy's. She was really weird at first, but then I got her jokes and I couldn't stop laughing if I saw her ever since.

I don't know much about Anna Camp, but from what I've looked up from the Internet Movie Database, she had a role in "The Help" -- starring Emma Stone, Bryce Dallas Howard. And she casted as one of the judges in "Glee"at sectionals.

Then her co-star, last, but never the least, the adorably sweet Skylar Astin. He played such an amazing character. His charm, his voice and his appearance blew me away. I can't help but visualizing my cinderella-dream --that I got to meet him and be his girlfriend, yes oh my god, so sad-- and staring at his pictures on my phone every once in a while, and oh god I'm simply obsessed. Or you can say possessed. It's been years since I was under the spell by Brendon Urie and Tom Felton --it starts to fade away now but never really leaves. And now this guy had me. And it occurs to me that now I'm under a much bigger spell an actor or a musician had ever casted on me. Damn you Skylar Astin! How could you be so beautifully charming?

His charm is worth more than words! God, he's just flawlessly sweet. Yes I get a toner everytime I see him. I am being delusional but well, like you haven't had a celebrity crush before.

He was rumoured to play Brody on "Glee", which is also one of my favourite TV shows, but then I don't know what really happens, but he doesn't get in. Though Lea Michele insisted that he had to be in the show. But he didn't. Too bad. Because if he did, I would spend my days watching Glee and Pitch Perfect over and over and over again.

But actually he was a Broadway star, and he'd played in "Spring Awakening" --I have to watch it someday-- and he dressed up nicely but the hair was ridiculous hahaha. So he wore round glasses, but the frame was smaller than Harry Potter's, and his hair was divided in the middle, twirled up, and the rest, sleeked back. Imagine. But he's still cute though. No matter what kind of property he wore that time. It's him in what I've described before. You know. I lolled a lot. 

And then there's Lea Michele!

I am in love right now. I don't care. It'll fade out but while it's still here I will talk about him as much as I can. You can see this perfect human being below being so awesomely adorable and all.

Santorini, Greece

If I had just one chance, one opportunity to live longer and wealthier and if I could reach out to the time where I was about to be married, and I had to choose -- and had the privilege to choose wherever and by wherever I mean WHEREVER -- where I want to be married in, I'd ask for one place and one place only. I would want to, would like to, and would LOVE to be married in my number one list of places I want to visit. Santorini, Greece. It is my dream place to live in. It's HEAVENLY.

In my opinion, it's just the right and perfect place to get married. Well maybe my hope is too high, but it would be really awesome to do that. Although just to spend the honeymoon there, I wouldn't mind. I wouldn't ask for a better place to be, I want Santorini.

The beauty is divine. Its clear blue sea, the white buildings add the sense of how beautiful the place is, it really matches the clear dark blue sea. Flowers everywhere giving colours to each building. The white boats and cruise ships at every marinas to travel or to go on a voyage and enjoy the sea at noon or even at night. The view of the sunset which we can witness while we're having dinner at the restaurants at each side of the cliffs.

Oh my god, just talking about this makes my heart beat faster because I really do want to go there. The imagination I have in mind is like, I am there. Viewing the blue ocean as I have breakfast on the terrace, with my family or my boyfriend. Every picture I see, I imagine myself right there in the picture. I wouldn't be bored living in there.

But the question is "when". And would I be able to go there? Let's hope so.

And here's a bit of the history of how this island turned out to be the most beautiful place in the world -- according to me. I quoted it from Wikipedia.

"Santorini is essentially what remains after an enormous volcanic explosion that destroyed the earliest settlements on a formerly single island, and created the current geological caldera. A giant central, rectangular lagoon, which measures about 12 by 7 km (7.5 by 4.3 mi), is surrounded by 300 m (980 ft) high, steep cliffs on three sides. The main island slopes downward to the Aegean Sea. On the fourth side, the lagoon is separated from the sea by another much smaller island called Therasia; the lagoon is connected to the sea in two places, in the northwest and southwest. Santorini was ranked world's top island for 2011 in Travel+Leisure Magazine. It was also named "the world's best island" by the BBC in 2011"

Well, just to show you how amazing Santorini is, here's a few of the pictures from the internet.

                          

I Suck

I miss those times where we can enjoy a day without a fight. Even days. Like, will it happen again? Or will we spend our lives fighting over things that sometimes unnecessary? We've had this phase? Right? Why does this happen again? Is it us? Or is it you? Or me?

I mean, it's fine to fight. But this is far too often.We're being way too harsh towards each other. Our egos take the best of us, lately. I hate my ego. I don't know about you, but I think you do too. It's like we "engorgio" the problems.

But we fight for each other. That's all that matters for me. I will never let go. Yes, sometimes I lose myself and I get carried away, and you can be a major pain in the ass sometimes, but that doesn't mean I want to live a life without you. I've been there. No turning back. No. Imagining what my life would be like without you is like imagining losing one of my family members. Because you're more than just boyfriend.

Just so you know, I don't get mad to people I don't love. Because I don't care if they make mistakes or hurt me. Because if I'm mad at them, they'll leave me while I'm still in need for their existence. I need them for a purpose I may say. And I know they'll go away eventually.

But the people I get mad to are those whom I want to stay in my life. People whom I know won't leave me no matter how hard the situation is. And no matter how mad I am to them. And I have this full faith and trust in them that they will take me as I am. And I have that only in my family, and you. Trust me, I may seem a trustful person outside, but inside, it's only you and my family. That's why I never get mad if someone blows me off for another importance that probably is less important than me. But when it's you or my family, I can get crazy. I'm afraid that I'm not important anymore. I'm afraid that you find someone else better. I'm afraid that I will lose all of you. And that's a sign that I'm comfortable to bring out the real me to them. I know I have no right to say mean things to you, but that's how I really feel when I'm mad about something. I probably am wrong, but at least I get to let out things that kill me inside to the people I really, undoubtedly, trust. Reading it again makes me think that I'm doing a risky behaviour. I might lose them. I might lose you. I might. I may. I'm still scared, but if someday, out of the blue, you left me, that would mean that I made a stupid mistake. I would have to change the way I trust people. My behaviour towards people I love. Maybe I have to be mad at people I just knew rather than the people I knew for a long time.

Maybe this is stupid. Maybe I have to start being a normal person. But it won't be that easy for me. I want me to deserve you. I didn't want to embarrass you if we really lived together one day. I want to be this fine woman who will make you stay and don't even want to look at any other women.

Forgive me if this offends you. I don't mean anything bad. This probably looks bad, but that's what it actually feels like. I'm weird.

So Long, Madrasah No. 5

I don't know where to begin. But that house that belongs to my grandparents in Kemang is obviously older than my older sister -- she's 28 now. Because it was built years before she wasn't even born yet. Built by my father and grandfather. A Spanish-Hacienda kind of house. It was a big house. Even my house is probably only its quarter. Not even a half big. No second storey though. But it was big enough to be a small track of a little go-kart bike. My siblings and I used to fight over the bike because there was only one like it. I still have the photo of it.
The bathroom. Bigger than my room I guess. Crazy, huh?
And to reach the main room, which was my grandparents room, we had to take a long enough walk from the front door.
When the bell rang, it rang like really noisy because it wasn't an electric bell. It was that copper or brass bell I can't tell the difference.

My brother and I used to stay there when I was in high school and he was in junior high. Because it was a lot nearer to go to school from there. Grandma made me breakfast and grandpa always walked me out of the house until I took a cab. I love them very much.

The garden, so vast. Green. Full of big trees around it. It was so awesome. My grandfather loved greenery. He worked as a golf captain that led a golf match. That's why he loved a vast yard of grasses. Then there's this mango tree on the backyard which my siblings and I used to climb when we were little.
When she was only a toddler, my older sister always played alone at the garden and quite frighteningly, she met and had a conversation with my late great grandmother. My grandma told her a few years ago that my great grandmother had passed away 2 years before my sister was born. Sooo... my sister was shocked. Haha.

Every time a party was thrown, either it was a birthday party or christmas, the guests were always dancing on the common room. And always escorted by a pianist on the grand piano. The foods were extraordinarily delicious, cooked by my awesome mom and my aunt. My favourite until now it that soy sauce stewed beef tongue. So good.
The party always lasted until almost midnight that the guests had finally gone home.

Those were such fine and happy moments.

Now it was all gone. This is so dramatic actually. My cousin made them all gone away. He married a low-life peasant and she persuaded him to sell more than half of the house then built an ugly house. As my father would say, "a Spanish-Hacienda house turns into an ugly chinese+padangnese, tacky house." God knows what else. So the sold probably 3/4 of the house, built a smaller one, and the rest of the money went to their pocket and none to my grandparents. The house now is just as big as mine. The beautiful vast garden was gone. My grandpa's happiness was taken away with only a few metres square garden left. He fell sick, and stressed out, and he passed away. Maybe God just didn't want him to suffer.
Even the old big christmas tree is now replaced with a small one. We used to decorate them. We used to buy gifts and presents to one another. I'm no Christian, I'm just respecting my grandparents, that's all.

In one week, the house is gonna be empty. All the memories that left there are gonna be gone as well. I know memories stay in our hearts, but sometimes you just need the things that make you remember the memories and make them alive.

Now it's just my grandma, fighting those bastards. With an awful daughter, and a pathetic son. It is all a mess right now. Not even a thing is proper. They sold the house too. They plan to live faraway from the other families. They take my grandma with them, and provide her a small, servant-like room. Absolutely inappropriate for my grandma who has live her life with that high of a level. And now she, in her 80s, has to live like that, adapting at this age, with nobody but them, and no more money. Not even love from both of them loathsome disgusting creatures.
Only us, her true families, her old nice and expensive clothes, fine jewellery, and the memories.

Protect her, God. Make her happy. I can't. Let alone them. Please. Let my father's business be succeeded. To help her. Nobody else could. Please.

Well, Fuck!

What the heck is wrong with me? I never hate video games. I love them. But nowadays my love turns into hatred.

I hate how my boyfriend's attention got confiscated by it. Maybe that's the main reason. I don't hate the game. I hate the distraction it makes. I hate the diversion it makes that it diverts his attention from me, to the game. To the whole thing of this fuckin video game stuff. No matter how cool the game is. And it's fuckin online. He's interacting with other people too. That adds the distraction. The diversion. Fuck.
And he has a good time with them. Why can't it be me? Why can't I have a good time like he has? He's with his thing. Why can't I be with mine?

He spent a lot of money for games. Why can't I spend money for what I like? Why? Why can't I have my good time? Why does it have to be him? Always. Can't I interact with other people like he interacts with his friends??? Why am I the only one that has to be patient? Why me? There's no difference being home and with him. I'm the one that's always losing. I want to do my own thing. Like he does his. I want to have what I want. I always get what I need, and I'm grateful for that, but can't I have what I want? Can't I order people to do things? I'm the one that's always being ordered. They tell me to do things I don't fuckin wanna do!

Fuck!!! I hate my life! I hate how universe works these days! I hate people! I hate how lame myself is! I hate everything! I know I'm acting like a 5 year old right now. I know. I don't fuckin care. Fuck logic. Fuck facts! Fuck my needs! Fuck my wants. I hate you all!!!!!!!

Some People are Just Numb at Hearts

Just copied this news below from here. I just don't understand why. Why an elementary school that's full of children. Innocent children. Killed. Go to hell, bastard.

"NEWTOWN, CONN. — A lone gunman killed 27 people at an elementary school here, including 18 children, in a terrifying early Friday morning shooting spree.

Two handguns were recovered at the scene.

Mayor Mark Boughton said several victims had been taken to local hospitals. But details were sketchy. The Newtown Bee reported that a police officer carried a seriously wounded child from the building.

Groups of students — some crying, some holding hands — were being escorted away from the school by their teachers. Some students were still in the school at 10:30 a.m., after it was placed on lock down, parents said.

The school is in a residential, wooded neighborhood about 90 minutes north of New York City. It has 39 teachers and about 650 students. A reverse 911 call went out to parents warning of an incident. Parents were being reunited with children. But, NBC Connecticut reported, police were searching the area behind the school with guns drawn.

Terese Lestik was relieved to find her five year old daughter, Eva, unharmed.

"I heard a boom-boom,'' Eva said of the gunshots she heard earlier.

"I'm horrified,'' said Terese Lestik. "I just pray for whoever is hurt."

Alexis Wasik, a third-grader at the school, said police were checking everybody inside the school before they were escorted to the firehouse. She said she heard shots and saw her former nursery school teacher being taken out of the building on a stretcher, but didn't know if the woman had been shot.

"We had to walk with a partner," said Wasik, 8. One child leaving the school said that there was shattered glass everywhere. A police officer ran into the classroom and told them to run outside and keep going until they reach the firehouse, The Hartford Courant reported.

Dozens of state troopers are on the scene assisting local police. Heavily armed police gathered in front of the school around 10:45 a.m., and a number of stretchers were set up.

A law enforcement official says the attacker in the Connecticut school shootings is a 20-year-old man with ties to the school.

The official said that a gun used in the attacks is a .223-caliber rifle. The official also said that New Jersey state police are searching a location in that state in connection with the shootings.

The official in Washington spoke on the condition of anonymity because the source was not authorized to speak on the record about the developing criminal investigation.

The school superintendent's office says the district has locked down schools as a preventive measure to ensure the safety of students and staff. State police spokesman Lt. Paul Vance says they have a number of personnel on the scene to assist.

A 1:30 p.m. press conference has been scheduled."